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10 July 2011 @ 06:05 pm
Lost Feelings  
I'm new to the idea of being a therian, though it seems to really be the only thing in my life that does feel like it's what it should be. I've read around, and it seems that most of the members have figured out what their totems or therian sides are. I'm just... lost. I can't figure it out.
As a child, I was in love with horses, and often wished that I would wake up one day a horse. I was a little girl, though, and like most little girls, I loved horses. I've been around them my entire life, but... it just felt wrong to like them so much once I turn about twelve. I still love them in a sense that they are smart creatures that should be cared for, but I don't connect with them like I used to be able to.
So, now I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm left out of my body. I've tried repeatedly going back to the state of mind where I felt like I was part horse, but it won't come back. I know that there's something animal like in me, but I can't figure out what it is.
I love to travel. To explore. To roam around and be free of something. Randomly, I'll get this funny feeling, like suspense or excitement or maybe even longing for something when I'm hiking or I'm so much as looking at a picture or painting of wilderness landscapes. I can feel random urges to run for no reason while I'm just sitting there or even just walking down the street, or maybe feel the urge fight with or snap at people who are getting on my nerves (but doesn't everyone feel that way at times?). 
I've never been in a fight in my life, though most of my classmates fear me for some reason, believing that I have a violent nature. I really am a good person. I joke with my close friends that I could beat up anybody, but we all know that it's just me being stupid. People who don't know me, though, actually fear that I'll beat them up. Even if I did nothing wrong. I've even asked my friends repeatedly if I did something that would make people so on edge and they would always say no. I'm not even a scary looking person. 
Aside from being known to make people afraid or upset by things I'm not aware of, I'm also known for being intelligent and clever. People always ask for my help when studying for a test or working on a project, even if it is a bit begrudgingly. 
If there is anyone who might have any suggestions for me on how to try and figure myself out, please help me. I just feel like I'm completely lost. 
Kyuubi no Kitsunekyubikitsune on July 11th, 2011 06:37 am (UTC)
I feel like your experience has some similarities to mine, except with foxes. As a young girl I had a connection with foxes and wished I could become one as well. I went through a similar experience at around 12, where I felt that it was "wrong" to like foxes so much. For me though, it was more of a conscious thing, because as a kid I used to get harassed about my attachment to foxes. I just wanted to be "normal" and didn't want to be the "crazy fox girl" anymore, so I decided that I needed to let go of the whole "fox thing".

I don't know if societal pressure played any part in your experience, but that could be something that's getting in the way of you connecting with your therian side. Even if you don't have people around you saying things about it, it can take on the form of that feeling of "I'm being silly" or "I'm an adult, I shouldn't be pretending that I'm an animal anymore" kind of thing in the back of your mind. I don't know if you're self conscious, but that could be something that's going on.

I ended up later in life becoming confident that I am indeed a fox therian, and this was through many things, such as finding out about totem animals and realizing that I still had a connection with my fox side to an experience I had in my apartment wanting to catch the mice that had moved in. (It was the latter that made me break down and realize that I was therian. XD) What are the animal parts that show up in you? I know that you gave a short description, and I feel they could be connected to horse. In fact, your personality kinda reminds me of a friend who does not identify as therian but certainly has a connection with horses and works with them on a fairly regular basis. Of course it doesn't have to be horse, it could very well be something else, but I wouldn't rule out that possibility.

I often hear that meditation helps in trying to connect with your therioside, and it does help me sometimes. Perhaps studying it might help you too. X3 Anyway, sorry for my rambling, but I hope it helps!
furry1337otakufurry1337otaku on July 12th, 2011 04:42 pm (UTC)
My input/suggestion would be to look into other hoofed animals. It could be you bonded so closely to horses as a child as they were the closest analog you had, but as you matured you rejected the wrong species (not too unusual considering that even amongst herd animals who seem to get along grazing side by side, competition can be fierce). It could also be residual past life energies, which I have found exist but are separate from my therian link.

But definitely I would look into studying the various types of hoofstock around the world, and even looking into extinct species too. Maybe you'll be lucky like I was and happen to spot a picture that triggers instant recognition, but more likely you'll have a pile of research to do.

Try to simply relax and meditate on what you do remember, maybe ask around or dig through old journals and art to see if you left any physical reminders as a child.

While I always knew there was something different about me and I bonded well with a variety of animals, nothing was the same as finding my therian species.
lashtail on July 12th, 2011 10:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks guys. It's good to know that there are people to talk to about all of this. If I ever tried to outside of this, I'd be considered crazy.